I took a life

I took a life. I watched the energy drain from a living thing until it stopped moving, stopped being and was gone. I am not proud. I don't want to do it again. Before I did it I cried and suggested that we set the creature free, but my boyfriend told me that he was not made of lobster money and that we had to get over our desire to introduce to the wild the lobster that he had chosen from a tank at our local asian market, put him in a pot and steam him for 30 minutes with ginger and baby spring onions.

A chef had suggested that we put the crawling, clawing bottom dweller into a steamer and wait, but we wanted to get it over with quickly, to minimise the pain the creature would feel. The difficulty was that, as we watched our little clawed friend try to lift the stopper on our kitchen sink, I was sorely tempted to give him a name - such a feisty little creature should surely have a name. Only, if you name you dinner, it can be very hard to consume it later. So we decided not to deepen our bond with our crustacean and instead, debated who would put him in the pot.

I must admit that I felt my eyes well up as we discussed how we would cook the lobster, who was then lifting himself up on his claws and scratching around the sink. Eventually, I agreed to be the one to lift our little friend into his last resting place, but when it came to it I couldn't do it and instead held the lid of the pot open, and then closed as the lobster shook in shock when he came in contact with the bubbling water. I had imagined that he would die quickly, but it was a lengthy process. It was awful. Our lobster shook and rattled in the heat and I desperately wanted to free him, only by then it would have been too late, he had already turned the colour of deepest sunburn.

I must admit that our dinner was delicious. Once the lobster was cooked, I had no problems with eating his meat. However, even as we were falling asleep last night, my boyfriend and I expressed our horror at the cruelty of the process.

It is one thing to eat a piece of fish or chicken that is already dead, but the emotional impact of watching it slow and then freeze once the body has been emptied of all life energy is powerful. I'm not sure that I will ever eat lobster again. It's too traumatic to cook a creature that you are tempted to christen and release to the sea.

Sun worship

We have been sun worshippers since we got here. The Egyptians worshipped the sun and thought that it sailed across the sky on a huge solar barge. Hinduism is choc-packed full of solar dieties. In Chinese mythology, there were originally ten suns in the sky, who were brothers. When they played together in the sky the earth became too hot and so, a hero came and shot down nine of them, leaving just the one sun that we know today. Buddhists recognise a boddhisattva of the sun, who is called Ri Gong Ri Guang. The Aztecs considered the sun god Tonatiuh to be the leader of heaven. They believed that this god represented the fifth cosmic era and that the previous four suns had represented four cosmic eras that had ended. In Indonesia, the sun is sometimes considered to be the 'father' or 'founder' of the tribe. The sun plays an important part in many Indonesian initiation rites.

It is no wonder that we have been so long infatuated by the most dominant star in our skies. The sun's energy is the principal driver of our weather systems and it effects both living and non-living things, in that it feeds the living things and its energies are often stored in non-living things such as peat and coal, to be released later.

Until recently, western society worshipped the sun as a fountain of beauty. Today, many people fear the sun's rays and think of it as a harmful and damaging force. Like almost all things, balance should be the governing force in our relationship with sunshine - too much will not only make us look old and haggard, it might actually make us very sick or even kill us. Likewise, too little sun can result in vitamin D deficiency, which is associated with rickets, auto-immune problems and depression.

From my own point of view I can report that feeling the sun play on my skin improves my mood no end and looking upon a clear skied day never fails to lift my mood. I've traveled across the globe chasing summer from country to country, at considerable cost - every penny of which was worth the expense.

I might scoff at the belief systems of ancient Egyptians and label these to be irrational and ill informed, but the reality is that when it comes to sun worship, I am up there with the best of them. We're creatures of sunlight and we thrive best when dosed liberally and regularly in its kindest rays. Our obsession with the sun is more than an irrational belief system, it's a matter of survival and for that reason, I believe that our relationship with the sun can only become more complex and important as time goes on, rather than less so.

Redirecting my energies

It's time that I turned my energies to energy, that life effusing driver of existence. Our presence here, although fascinating from a philosophical and moral point of view, is based on fuel. We each operate like furnaces, calling for fuel, burning this up and using the raw energy created to pump our bodies and achieve work.

I used a calorie calculator to find out how many calories I should consume every day. Apparently, I require 1990 calories to fuel my body. I burn this up by walking, talking, thinking and even while I sleep. If I don't eat I feel hungry and eventually I will feel weak. In addition to food, I crave other kinds of energy, including external warmth and sunlight.

One of man's greatest discoveries was the ability to make fire on cue. Still today, many of us feel ourselves drawn towards flickering flames and few homes feel complete without the focus of a warm hearth (rather than a television).

I suspect that we search for meaning only after we have successfully found the energy sources that we require to survive. It is only when we have been well fed and warmed that we can turn inwards and focus on our own personal energies.

We give off energy as well as consuming it. If you touch a person's skin it usually feels warm. If you stand next to someone when they are angry you can feel their 'vibrations'. Likewise, being around someone who is very grounded and calm can be calming in itself. And when we have used up all our energies, we go cold and cannot communicate with others, we literally have nothing more to give.

What follows over the next week, or few weeks (depending on what other random thoughts pique my interest) will be a series of blogs that discuss energy in its many forms. You will have to excuse me if things get a little hippified - I recently returned to yoga classes (another to-do successfully underway) and I'm definitely feeling the chilled out energies of practising this exercise for mind, body and soul.

So onwards, into the realm of fuel for life: food, warmth and social sustenance.

Will we ever be happy enough?

I've had a very lovely life, I've been very lucky. I've been happier more often I've been unhappy and I've experienced greater joy than misery. But will this bank of happiness see me through? Will I ever get to a point when I have experienced sufficient joy that no matter what happens, my overall life satisfaction will be unaltered?

Personally, I look forward. I think always of the future and I like to plan my future joy, but expect it to come spontaneously when it finally arrives. Much of my happiness is based on my expectation of the future. So, although I can remind myself of plenty of happy times and do not carry around with me a bundle of worries built high by past events, I suspect that I will never be satisfied. It seems that it's not what I've had, but what I might experience in the future that keeps me smiling (or scares me).

Perhaps when I am very old and believe myself to have reached the final stage of the race, a point at which there is no further piece of the puzzle to fit together, maybe then I will turn my mind backwards and all the happy days that I've enjoyed to date will start to stand to me.

For now, I simply try to remember to be grateful and to recognise that I've had an easy ride, which is rare in this fragmented age.

I have been lucky enough to discover some of the things that do make me happy. If you never experience joy, how do you know what fills you with that bubbly, smiling feeling?

Now, if only I could create some co-herant plan to ensure future happiness, I wouldn't have to worry about what's coming and could enjoy the days that's here right now. How fickle we are, even the people who acknowledge that they've been lucky (me), fear that their luck will run out.

Puppy power

Tomorrow is my boyfriend's birthday. He's hoping for a puppy. He is hoping for a puppy in the way that a six year old hopes and yearns and pleads for a puppy. He believes that owning and caring for this pet will complete him.

Research suggests that few events actually change our level of happiness. A systematic study of 22 people who had won the lottery, found that they returned to their baseline levels of happiness over time and wound up experiencing the same level of happiness as 22 ordinary Joes who had never had their numbers called up.

So, money does not buy happiness? It would seem that neither do unfortunate events necessarily lead to unhappiness. A study quoted in the same book as that which discussed our unmoved millionaires, found that within a few years, paraplegics are only just a little less happy than their able-bodies peers.

Will a puppy make my boyfriend any happier? Despite the findings of the studies cited above, I suspect that it might.

In May of this year Coca-Cola announced the results of their global happiness barometer. In this age of Facebook and Twitter, text messages and blogging, Coca-Cola found that the one thing that could be definitively linked to greater happiness was human contact. Let's face it, we're meant for each other. We're suckers for a good hug.

I agree that human contact and animal contact are not quite the same, but the spirit is similar. I suspect that my boyfriend would take joy from the relationship that one man has with his dog. He wants to walk along the strand with his dog, silent but together as they enjoy the fresh air and exercise. He wants to play and jump around with his dog. Most of all, he wants to come home from work to see in the face of his furry friend, the pure, animal excitement that his arrival has induced.

Personal relationships, even when with animals, make us feel valued and valuable. It's great to be valued but it's even better to be valuable.

Several years ago, a British study attempted to increase the happiness quotient of one English town. A key recommendations made by the leaders of the study was that we should all keep plants. Apparently, feeling necessary is one of the key elements in the maintainence of a positive outlook. The logic is that if someone or something needs you (even if this something is a small and dropping fern), your life will be invested with the special shred of meaning that is necessary to warm the heart.

So, if I gave my boyfriend a puppy he might develop a bond with the animal and also, feel that that animal needs him, his care and his love. This would probably make him feel even more satisfied with his lot in life than he currently does.

Sadly, we live in a one-bedroom apartment and I suspect that the puppy's happiness would dive very quickly after realising that the entire area around which he could roam would fit into most people's front hall. Until we have space and time to look after this little creature, I would not feel right risking its wellbeing by keeping it in our cramped home. Next year looks more likely for pet ownership, but tomorrow I'm going to have to deal with a very disappointed man-child.

Thankfully, research suggests that he will quickly get over this and his happiness will soon return to normal levels.

Where does happiness come from?

Happiness is a complicated beast. The range of this emotion stretches from satisfaction, through pleasure and joy to the outer reaches of maddest euphoria.

The complicated nature of the emotion that makes us smile means that it is difficult to measure and to explain. Despite having enjoyed a lifetime during which I have been happier more often than not, I have more questions than answers about the nature of or source of happiness.

For a start, where does it come from and then, how does our brain distinguish between positive and negative situations - how do we know when to feel happy?

According to the people who know about this kind of thing, serotonin is the chemical that helps to maintain a happy feeling. This chemical helps us to sleep, it calms anxiety and it relieves depression. However, dopamine makes us seem happy because its presence in our brain makes us talkative and excitable.

Have you ever noticed that everyone seems to be in better form during summer time? We feel better during summer months because sun and bright light trigger a response in the brain to a hormone known as melatonin. Research suggests that two hours of morning light is an effective treatment for depression, so get out there and enjoy the early hours.

There is no denying the fact that some people are happier than others. The researcher, David T Lykken, studied the wellbeing of twins and found that happiness depends in a large part, upon one's genes. Only 10-15% of our happiness is determined by life circumstances variables such as socioeconomic status, marital status, health and sex. Researchers believe that the remaining 40% is influenced by a combination of factors and results of actions that a person takes in order to become happier.

This is fantastic news and means that we can determine our own happiness. Knowing how to go about doing this is not an easy task...

Consistently, human relationships comes out as the top factor in human happiness. A 2009 study that was published in the British Medical Journal reported that happiness can actually spread through social networks from person to person. Generally, happiness spreads fastest and best through friends, siblings, spouses and next-door neighbours and it spreads more effectively than unhappiness, which means that if enough of us spread our happiness, we could effect some sort of emotional revolution...

One to do done

I can finally cross one 'to do' off my 'to do list'. My balcony is awash with colour. My wonderful mother took a trip to the garden centre and came back with pot loads of summer flowers, which she gave to me and that I have planted in window boxes and ceramic posts. As I look outside, through the summer rain, I am made infinitely happy by the sight of my begonias, butterfly lavender and daisies bouncing in the breeze.

Some people don't 'do' gardening and don't see the point. The arrangement of plants together in pretty groups doesn't 'do' anything particular that should make our lives any better, and yet, in my case, I find that it does make my life a happier one. It is not what the plants do, so much as what they are that makes me happy. My plants don't provide me with any sustenance, they won't make me any wealthier and I have sufficient fresh air that their ability to exchange gases is of little concern to me, yet by being pretty and by conjuring images of summer meadows, lazy afternoons and sunshine, they make my life that little brighter. Plus, they need me and it is always satisfying to be required.

In my experience, happiness is not always logical, but illogical joy is often perfectly sensible and a good indication of sanity.

I like to think that what separates us from the animals is our ability to appreciate beauty, but this is probably a romantic notion with little basis in truth. Who am I to say that a gorilla does not appreciate the sight of the morning mist rising from the foothills of a Rwandan mountain?

Whether it is a human characteristic or not, it seems that it is in our nature to take satisfaction from beautiful paintings, well designed buildings and sweeping views across long valleys, amongst other eye-pleasers.

Functionality is all very well, calculated reasoning is vital, but a splash of colour from a bursting window box can warm the heart, and life with a cold heart offers little to live for. It is immensely satisfying to work out a difficult problem and to perform a job that I feel means something, but sometimes all I want to do is sit on a chair on my balcony, surrounded by purple flowers, swatting the bees away with my Sunday paper.